god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
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the Monday after daylight savings
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
How I’d get arrested…
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.