Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
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I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.