[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
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ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Bloody internet 😳
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.