Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
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i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
adam and eve had first world problems
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon