Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
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Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.