Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
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Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
me working on my assignments ^-^
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven