One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
house sitting!
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.