if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
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I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works