When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
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ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?