sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
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doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I only treason on days ending in y
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”