“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
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If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Can’t stop laughing
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
saving face 👀
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?