He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
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Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK