In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
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this is the best day of my life
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.