Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
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At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Worth a try
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.