[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
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I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.