Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
i will not be silenced
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now