During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
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A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew