Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
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[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary