This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
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[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
We need more people like this.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
#SuperBowl
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro