I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
According to math, I’m broke
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
won’t smith
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children