Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
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Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Perfect.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination