Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
*puts my mental health in rice
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”