Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
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My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I have many caverns
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.