Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
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Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
bears
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.