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Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.