Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
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Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.