Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
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Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same