HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
When I snag the last meatball.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.