Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Very problematic
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen