plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
You Might Also Like
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
every college guy’s fridge
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”