I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
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*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.