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*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.