if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I’d hang this in my house.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”