“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
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me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department