[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
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I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
this post was so formative to me
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.