Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
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[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Lmao
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!