It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
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“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
lol
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”