You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.