Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
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I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.