Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
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This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay