When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
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According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.