Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
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step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.