CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
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My patronus is a cheeseburger
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I had to Stop for this
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I think they could have phrased this better
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
felt that
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.