Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
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They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.