Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
You Might Also Like
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My wife gives the best headache.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?