Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
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I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I have many caverns
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.