STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”