My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
You Might Also Like
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Welcome to the stomach
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
CUTE CAT‼︎
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”