friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
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Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first