Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
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If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today